Why are you afraid of feeling?
Generally I am pretty open to my happy, optomistic self. But occasionally, like all of us, I get a little down. It is often a place I resist with fearce determination. I try and meditate, take herbs, get accupuncture, etc. to "fix" the "problem. To feel "better". I spend so much time trying to treat the symptoms I don't get down to what is really going on. I am trying to talk to myself about an imbalance I am ready to address. If only I would stop and listen! Why don't I stop and listen knowing what I know about all things? Well, what is there to look at is very painful and scary. I am afraid if I look at it, it will take hold and be the truth of who I am. I don't trust myself to be with this pain and ever get out of it again. So instead of supporting this thing, I try and run from it, which only makes it worse and stronger. So what if I opened up to this and was this way forever? I want to be able to love myself no matter what. But I have put certain criteria on myself that make me "lovable" if I don't meet those criteria I am what... not lovable? Of course not! I am still lovable. Sometimes I just have to remind myself that no matter what I am lovable. It is a test of the faith and trust I claim to have. It is me, like a toddler, acting up, just to make sure you still love me, no matter what. So I rise to the challenge and love my darkness just as I love my lightness in order to make room for light within me to shine brighter.
Insightful Inspiration of the week
This week, have a good cry without judgement on yourself of how you "should" be feeling. We have put obligations on our emotions. Emotions are not obligated to do anything, they are there to tell us about how we are interacting with the world around us. If we block ourselves off to our emotions or judgement as right or wrong, we are stealing away the power they have to communicate with us. Then these emotions stop working properly and get out of balance. We start feeling sad at times when we aren't sure why. We feel more anger at a situation than is what you truly feel because you have blocked off the last four times you felt anger.
See if you want things to fall back into balance. As you release this emotional valve, try no to judge it. Just let it open up and see what happens next. If there is a lot in there, don't worry, it will stop flowing eventually and swing back the other way. When you start to doubt you should have opened the flood gates, just notice. Where is the fear of these emotions coming from? Did you learn as a kid these kinds of outbursts would get you in trouble? Just notice the fear is there as well. Fear of feeling. Why are you afraid of feeling? Just notice. Pay attention, see if you can send love to this part of yourself and let it be what ever it needs to be.
If other's around you freak out by this new openness, just notice that too. That is their havingness for this situation and has nothing to do with the right an wrong of you. Send them compassion, but try and keep it from getting into your space about how you are feeling.
Write me if you want. I always love to hear how it is going.