The term “self-care” is often misunderstood as being synonymous with selfishness. Many hardworking people who are no stranger to self-sacrifice find it hard to see where they could fit self-care into their lives while they’re trying to provide for others. But the truth is, not taking the time to take care of ourselves can lead to exhaustion and high amounts of stress, and it can strain our relationships. In other words, taking care of yourself helps you take care of others. Here are four self-care tips that will help you be the best version of yourself—both for yourself and for others.Read More
Filtering by Category: Life
So often we spend our lives trying to fit in and conform to what people say they want from us. Most of the time, when we give people what they say they want, they still aren't happy. Why? Because what they really want is us, not some version of ourselves, modified to try and please them. We want genuine connections, ones that are freely given and offer us space to truly be ourselves as well.Read More
What are you trying to "understand" better? What information are you trying to analyze, pick a part, think through? Are you in balance with it? Is it create ease and fun in your life or chaos and struggle? If it is creating chaos and struggle, can you let go of it a little bit. Let it show itself to you rather than you figuring it all out.Read More
Often times people ask me, "Why the heck did I attract this? What could I possibly learn from this experience?" To that I always respond (generally with a giggle) "Oh so much!" And I am not just being optimistic.
Here are some tips to identify the root issues of your patterns.
Time is just another tool in your perceptual toolbox. Play around with various time keeping tools, blocking off times of day for specific tasks you might not otherwise felt you could get to. You will seem, all of the sudden you have time for that thing you never thought you would.Read More
Emotions seem to be the easiest thing to share amongst friends; it's almost like a virus. One person feels happy and passes on to the next and the next and so on. That is ideal... but not always how it goes.
More often one person in line is angry and yelling at the cashier which puts you in a "what is wrong with people?" mood which leads you to go home and yell at your kids, which makes them mad at the each other and so on. Emotions are contagious and the sooner we learn to recognize the difference between our emotions and the people we are with, the easier time we will have in knowing ourselves.
Empathy as a survival skill
Empathy is defined by dictionary.comas "the intellectual identification with or vicarious experiencing of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another." If you are experiencing the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another, how do you know you are acting in your own best interest and not the person you are empathizing with? If you are identifying with someone else's emotions and making decisions based on those emotions, they may not be right for you.
Empathy can be a survival skill. When we are born we can't talk yet and don't know much about the reality we have just arrived in. With this skill of empathy, we can read each others thoughts and emotions and make decisions on how we will engage with the environment.
"What am I really feeling?"
Things go off track when we don't know where our thoughts and feelings start and the other person's begin. We are always picking up on each other's energy in subtle ways. We feel each others state of mind and often change our behavior and feelings about the situation accordingly.
If you can begin to acknowledge when this sharing of energy is happening, you can begin to understand yourself more clearly and start setting new intentions. By paying attention to your ability to pick up on other people's thoughts and emotions, you begin to see when you are letting someone else's negativity win.
By becoming aware of how easily you change course based on what another person is doing or feeling you will be able to stop being a victim of others and empower yourself to dictate your mood and actions.
What mood are you bringing to the room?
It is also helpful to observe those around you, especially children, as they pick up on your moods. Watch for that moment from when they switch over to what they were feeling independently to what they are feeling when they notice you. Then ask yourself, is this how I want others to feel around me?
You have more power than you think. If you walk into a room defensive and uptight, that is how the room will respond. This isn't to control how everyone else is feeling, but just to set an intention within yourself of the influence you want to be in the world.
Being a mother of two square pegs that down right refuse to be put into round holes, I have had my fair share of struggles with the school system. As a mom it has required me to stay grounded in my truth. As a healer, it has tested my limits of compassion and understanding.
Our perspective in the world is very personal. Our filters of how we view a situation involves a complex brew of our past, our beliefs, our programs and our position in the situation.
Where we sometimes get hung up is when we need to convince others to see our side as the only truth. But one person's experience does not have to invalidate your own. Each experience is its own and it isn't a requirement that the whole world have the same experiences as us to have our experience be true.
Two Sides To Every Story
Taking this a step further, in order to heal ourselves sometimes it is helpful to see truth in the other side of the story. You probably won't be able to see the other person's truth 100% because you are still using your filter, however, a compassionate view into the other side can offer a healing to you as well.
In my case, I might being inquiring into myself about what a teacher's story could possibly be. I do this while at the same time, hold space for my truth as well.
I can have compassion for the teacher who has a full class, with several children who have special needs, one of which loves to debate every rule and issue with a passive aggressive behavior that he has down to a science (that's mine.) Learning not to take that teacher's perspective personally is also a huge gift.
Looking at the other side of the story while holding space for our truth with compassion. Our side being that our child is very intelligent and has a very unique and useful personality. If he is guided in the right direction his talents for bucking status quo can take us all to a new level.
When you are doing this two sided work you are likely hanging onto the other side's perspective as a personal attack of some sort. You might even feel that there was a violation against you, at no fault of your own. Hanging on to these things isn't going to help you feel lighter, more connected and ready for the next thing. It will leave you feeling gun shy, bitter and resentful.
Release the victim before you inquire into the other side. Watch out for your need to defend your view point and make the other person wrong as you look.
- What is happening here really?
- Why do you care what this person has done?
- What does it matter?
- Is it over and done with? If so, can you move on and forgive and forget? Why not?
- What parts of you feel wounded?
- What feelings do you feel? Do you feel hurt? Angry? Betrayed?
In my situation my mothering is questioned when my children won't fit into the expectations of the school. That hits me to the core and I want to prove is wrong, no matter what. But here is the catch, I don't have to prove it wrong!
I am a wonderful mother to my children. I know this and do my best with them every day. But I had to heal this part of myself, realizing that some part of me must have wondered if she was right. Otherwise, why would I care?
The other thing that pokes me to the core is a perception that teachers believe that my children are "bad" in some way. Again, I want to prove that wrong. This is more about me wanting to see the world accept my unique child without question. I so badly want the world to accept me too. Again, perfect place to work on healing myself. By looking at this I can allowing both my children and I to accept ourselves as we are, rather than trying to convince the world to accept us. Teaching them to love themselves first, then listen to the input of others.
Take a step back from your head on a situation your are struggling with. Use this moment in your life as ways to heal yourself and look into things further, rather than injure yourself through painful lenses of hurt and victimization.
Love yourself for bringing these scenarios into your life to teach you what you want to learn as a spirit. Embrace them, rather than be victimized by them. Use both sides of the story to bring you clarity and safety to explore the truths that are trying to shine through.
Sending unconditional love and light your way this week.
There is a huge pot of energy we are all drawing on at any given time and it is infinite and abundant. We just have to remember to open up how we receive things and not be so focused on one particular place or person because we think we have “earned it.”Read More
An unconscious mantra is the things we say out loud or in our head to ourselves without even paying attention to what we are saying that works as an incantation or prayer to the universe. In other words the announcements we make out loud that bring more of the same into our lives. How do we identify these mantras and change them?Read More
We have all heard the down and out stories of how people hit rock bottom and that was the catalyst for the rising up. We have heard those stories of triumph over the impossible negativity we see in the world. We are overcoming little "rock bottoms" all of the time. It is our success over our struggles that gives us the trust in ourselves to take risks and carry on. It is the success in our moments of weakness, that remind us of our strength.Read More
Often we are a cluster of pain programs and suffering. Natalie Merchant's "Break Your Heart" lyrics "don't spread the discontent, don't spread the lies" is excellent advice to move past that stage into one of contentment.
You have heard it a thousand times from me and other self-help guidance counselors to "think positive" or "love yourself first." Of course you know that is what you are supposed to do. So why aren't you doing it?
The Shame of Thinking Positively
Thinking positive isn't always well received by our peers and authority figures. Often when we come to our bosses with good news, they shame us into noticing what is broken and needs to be fixed. We get obsessed at looking at what isn't working as a way to try and encourage it to work.
Our peers perceive our positive thinking as naive or thoughtless. They see us taking our eyes away from what needs to be done to focus on the flakey behavior of "free thinkers" and rebels.
See if you can find your positive-thinking shamers and as kindly as you can, ask them to help you shift. Make them your biggest advocates for positive thinking. If they aren't up to the job, or you don't feel like you can ask them, work on releasing their opinion from the top of the meaningful pile. Try and reduce how seriously you take their opinion and know they are projecting their own limitations onto you.
Suffering to Deserve
Another thing we often do is "suffer enough to deserve." Sick enough to deserve help. Worked hard enough to deserve a break. Struggled enough to deserve something better.
Catch yourself "suffering to deserve." Shift it up and allow yourself permission to deserve from a different place. Deserve help because we all desire connection and to help each other. Deserve a break because you are always doing your best. Deserve something better because you have learned from your mistakes and are ready to learn from your successes too.
Expectations and Assumptions
You cannot pretend you don't feel bad, that is suppression of your energy. But what I am suggesting is to check in when you are stuck in automatic pilot with feeling bad. You can feel bad and then give yourself permission to feel good.
Even when you look around and don't see any good yet. This isn't a fake it activity. This is just about realizing that in what you expect to see is what you will see. If I suggest to you to notice all the blue cars on the road today, you will. Your mind enhances what you focus on. If you expect to see kindness and love from people, you will. Change up your expectations to find negative experiences lurking around every corner. Change up your assumptions about people and how you will be treated and see what happens next. This doesn't mean there won't be people who will hurt you or be rude, but your mind will hold onto the positive experiences more easily.
Here is more on how beliefs are driving your experiences from my Coaching Club videos.
Let's get real, no one goes through life without the sting of betrayal. It is part of the journey we are on. As you become more aware of the concept that you create your own reality, you must also take responsibility for everything you experience as something you have created.Read More
It seem like a life long process to get past our fears. It starts when we are babies and continues through our life, dictating our actions and keeping us stuck in the search for peace from it. Our minds are very powerful and fear can be something that stops our manifesting minds in its tracks.Read More
As I watch the ways of the world and the underlying motives of the humans around me, I notice that most of our bad decisions come from a lack of self worth. It keeps us hiding in ourselves and shaming and shunning ourselves into further disconnect from those around us.
We can look at the big stuff such as having affairs, lying, making others feel bad, etc. but there are so many little things too. The thing that continues to surprise me is that we often make decisions to do things because we are insecure about aspects of ourselves that no one else even cares about. People around you might even laugh if they knew your "secret" dark side.
How can you manifest what you are worth if you don't know what you are worth and you aren't facing what is blocking you from that knowledge. Self worth is a great place to start in figuring out how you are blocked to manifesting what you want.
The key here is, if we could just face that we feel bad about ourselves and are insecure, rather than constantly running from that feeling through ego boosting activities, we would probably stop creating reasons to feel bad about ourselves. It is the belief that we are no good that perpetuates those actions to lead us to make that judgment to begin with. The chicken and the egg is no debate on this one. We don't make bad decisions because we are bad people; we make bad decisions because we are too afraid to face our fears that we are bad people.
Lets take the playground as an example. A young boy who feels good about himself invites children to play with him. Allowing the other people to also feel successful in their pursuits and encourages the joy of success in others. The boy who is worried about his own worth will often compete or show off talents they think would make others feel inferior too. We have trained ourselves to think the later is “normal.” As normal as it may seem, it is an energetic indicator that this person doesn’t know their worth.
Another example is the corporate ladder. Leaders who feel secure in themselves climb easily and bring others with them. Leaders who feel more nervous or like imposters in their positions often ride on others coat tails and make sure those around them know they are superior. Again, just because the later is more common, doesn’t mean it is the optimized way to be.
If we boost our trust in ourselves, love for ourselves and believe that we are inherently good; we start to make decisions from a more authentic place. Not that controlling, manipulative place that tries to make us look good, but the place that is naturally already good. If we trust it to be there and stop wondering if it is there, we stop second-guessing, stop making choices out of how we appear. We start to do things that boost our self worth, thus perpetuating the cycle of building self worth rather than breaking it down.
There are tons of tools out there these days. Here are a few that I suggest to enhance your self love space.
- Affirmations - Louise Hay has a good daily quote.
- Gratitude of self journal - "I am grateful for myself because..."
- Self love activities - i.e. nurturing body work, baths, self care that means something to you about loving yourself
- Surround yourself with good positive energy that affirms you deserve a positive life.
There are tons of resources out there. Google it and see what resonates with you. Then make it a habit to love yourself more.
If you are an angel person, here is a video from Doreen Virtue.
Stop trying to pretend you think highly of yourself and actually do think highly of yourself. Don't worry about what other people think of you, rather concern yourself with what you think of you. If you aren't thinking highly of yourself, your best bet to having a better life starts there.
How? The first step is to start correcting your own inner dialogue. Catch yourself when you make disparaging comments about yourself (which you probably say out loud too) and correct it to a statement that affirms what you want to be. For example, change "I can't believe I did that, I am so spacey!" to "Wow, I just did that to remind myself to pay more attention. I will gladly take that challenge." By taking on the challenge, you are offering yourself growth and depth in understanding of yourself.
Facebook me if you want me to break this topic down more. It is truly a great place to start the healing process. (or of course comment here)
Unemployment, divorce or any other life crisis where you feel rejected can be devastating to the manifesting space. If you let it, these kinds of experiences can leave you feeling victimized, wounded and unworthy to have the world work in your favor.
There are periods when we can also get convinced people only like us for what we can give them, not because they authentically like us. We get angry because we feel used and alone in our most vulnerable times of need.
But this doesn't have to be a blow to the manifester inside and in fact can actually strengthen your abilities to create an authentic life.
Sometimes we establish relationships with people based on something we give them and when we test the relationship by taking that thing away, we are shocked to find the relationship falls apart. For example, new jobs. You go into the interview, probably promising your devotion, hard work and endless talent. You get the job and then kill yourself for months working hard to prove yourself. Then the steam starts to run out and you realize what you did was over-promise and the level of work you could sustain long term does not match up with the expectations you have set..
You overextended your energy to prove yourself instead of standing in your authentic value and making that work for you. Then your work quantity tarts to go down, and although it might be more reasonable, it isn't what you promised originally and your employer is feeling annoyed. You feel like "what the heck, I have been killing myself for this person."
Yeah... and that is what they began to expect! You could apply this to your friendships, your relationships, anything. Did you promise something you couldn't sustain? Why didn't you just promise what you could authentically do in the first place and accept that that is enough? You would have been better off to be rejected in the first place, rather than burn out your energy trying to be somewhere you don't fit.
Counting on others
Another scenario is that sometimes we are meant to be alone to work through some things. Although right now, all we want in the world is someone to hold us and tell us it will be okay, that person isn't there for a reason. You are meant to deal with things alone so you face them and work through them in your own energy. Other people will put "fix it" energy in our space in a time we need to just be with something and so sometimes we need space, even if we don't want it.
It is in the realization of your own strength and understanding of yourself that you find your life to be sustainable. When you are able to show up in ease and grace and have the world around your support that, then you are moving into authentic manifestation.
No victims, only volunteers
Each scenario is not a punishment to victimize you (yet again). It is there to teach you about your authentic, powerful self and highlight the beliefs and situations that you give your power to that are no longer serving you. These situations show up to help you stand tall in your own space, no matter what. You can use this rejected energy to curl up in a ball and feel sorry for yourself, or you can put that energy into healing your fears and self worth issues that have brought you here in the first place. Once you do that you can go to new places in the future and not replay old patterns.
Manifesting in your truth
Embrace every moment as a teaching, healing moment. Where do you feel rejected? What is coming up in this rejection? Do you feel alone? Abused? Used? Under valued? Why is this a bad feeling for you? Is this true? Are you really being abused, used, under valued?
If you are, why are you allowing that to happen? How is that serving you? Are you getting false acceptance from this behavior? Maybe you would like to change it but don't know how. It's okay, just notice it for now and remember that you want to do something different. Keep that awareness and see how things shift. If you aren't feeling abused, etc. then why are you letting yourself get worked up about it? Is it keeping you from looking at the real issue for yourself?
Allow every moment, no matter how hard, to be a moment of reflection for yourself. Rather than resist it and try to get out of it, embrace it. Let it teach you. You are already suffering, why not get some value out of it? Why waste a good opportunity to learn?
We are natural storytellers. We love to pass on information through stories. The story tellers of indigenous tribes are generally held in very high esteem. We read books, watch movies and have conversations revolving around telling stories.
There is a risk with passing on stories, and that is misinformation. We tend to pass on stories no matter what their validity. If it feels real to us, it is real. This is why we have websites like Snopes, so we can check out facts or find out we have been duped. This Slate article speaks of a mythical story of panic, reportedly caused by Orsen Welles' fake broadcast on a Martian invasion. This article emphasizes to the fact that we can can pass on untrue stories for a very long time.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves
How does this play out with subtle energies? Well, not only do we tell our stories to others, but the stories we tell ourselves are the ones we can get most duped by. First, because we generally don't share our full stories to others we don't get called out on how false they are. Second, because the voice we hear loudest is our own. Whatever the story is we tell ourselves, is the story we believe, defend and create in our lives.
For me, the story of how much time I have versus how much time I think I need is never in balance. It isn't an uncommon story. I share this story with many others around me, which makes it worse. We all perpetuate the time struggle.
When a story becomes an addition
As I become more stressed, I start to spin my story deeper and deeper. Anyone who tries to convince me that my story is unreasonable is likely to get a defensive response and I weave the further the story in order to convince the other person that my stress is valid. This does me no good on an energy level, but I am hooked and I do it anyway. It is like a drug and I lose my power to it.
As I have worked with people over the years, I have seen clear energetic addictions in most people's lives, some are healthy, others are not. Most of it has to do with how you learned to be in the world. What your parents, teachers and peers showed you your life was like.
As much as you can blame your parents or society for your imbalances it is ultimately your awareness and intention to change that bringing you into balance again. For whatever reason, your soul wanted to learn that lesson by being in it and then bring yourself out of it. So now is the time to change the story. Start finding new ways to tell yourself how to get things done or engage with your friends.
Some other examples of negative energetic addictions include drama, anger, sadness, hopelessness, victimization and "work." You may even use these states of being to motivate you. Motivate you to go to work, make a change or just get out of bed in the morning. Paying attention is always the key to these things.
Take a moment to notice your energy addictions. Where do you spend a lot of your time? In a state of peace, stress, anger, etc.? Is it possible that you are addicted to this frequent state of being? Take a minute to make a pact with yourself to notice that this energy is a choice. Do you want to choose differently today? Give it a try. Tell yourself you want a new story.
You can also ask some follow-up questions, for example, is this a mental addiction or an emotional one? Where do I store this story in my body? Can I get the same results with a more positive spin on this story? I would love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to share.
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Dictionary.com provides seven different definitions of perspective. Wikipedia breaks it out into groups, i.e. graphical, visual, cognitive. All of which are relevant to the topic of understanding your place in the world. The one I am going to focus on today is "one's "point of view", the choice of a context for opinions, beliefs and experiences".
In relationships with other people we spend a lot of time trying to see each other's points of view, convincing others to see our side of things, trying to understand where they are coming from, etc. But this is my message for you... no matter how hard you try and see another person's point of view, you are still seeing their point of view from your point of view and vice versa. It is impossible for you to truly see their point of view.
All of their life experiences make them unique to how they perceive things. Scientist have proven this even with identical twins who have lived very similar lives. Their perspectives are still radically different.
When I do couples sessions, I decode the two perspectives for the other to where they have "aha!" moments about their communication space. They can see how their causing misunderstandings by assuming the person is hearing them the way they hear themselves. They begin to understand that the misunderstandings are not personal to their spouse not wanting to hear them but rather that they have their own filters that they listen with. It seems to relieve stress in the relationship and help them to accept each other more.
This is important to remind yourself of because when you are trying to understand or be understood, there is no right or wrong answer. There is no definitive "this is the way things are". We often spend a lot of energy trying to get to "right" vs. "wrong" but because of perspective this is different for everyone. For example, just because you feel better not eating meat does not mean that is the right choice for everyone or doing Yoga makes you feel fit, but others like to run.
The best part is, this is OKAY! It is wonderful for each and every one of us to see the world differently. It helps us realize endless possibilities of our human form. Our evolutionary possibilities are endless because we all see things differently.
Are you spending energy and time trying to understand some one's point of view or have them understand yours? Step back for a minute from this process. See it for what it is and the possibilities that this is creating.
Maybe your significant other wants to spend some money going on vacation and you want to invest it on your house. What are the different points of views bringing to light for both of you. Can you take that wisdom with you as you search for a compromise? Why is the universe presenting you with this difference of opinion? What is it trying to get you to see differently?
Embrace who you are and how you think. This is your gift to the world. Share it with an open mind and open heart and encourage others to do the same.
Release your need to be told you are doing right! Finding yourself often take the path less traveled which requires faith in yourself and the willingness to take risks.Read More
"I am endeavoring to see God through service to humanity, for I know that God is neither in heaven, nor down below, but in everyone." - Gandhi
If you know me, you know I find myself getting mixed up in all kinds of "act of service". Most of which I feel is useful to the world and gives back to me as I give. However, there are some acts of service I find myself doing out of obligation or out of fear that if I don't do it no one will and it must be done.
When I look at the energetic imprint of both types of service I clearly can see that the times when I do things out of authentic desire to be of service is the times that both the receiver of my service and myself truly get the gift I am intending to give. However, on the flip side, when I act in service out of obligation I am blocking both myself and the receiver from everything but the feeling of obligation.
Where you give from within yourself matters. Who you are as the giver at the time of giving matters to the receiver. You will only be successful in giving of yourself and your time when you can do it from the space of service for the sake of giving. When you are able to access this space of clear giving you are able to feel and see the benefits of your actions. It helps instill a sense of purpose in life, a sense of connection, and a sense of hope.
For example, as a CASA I am only good at volunteering, when I show up without any expectations of outcomes. I am only able to enjoy the work, when I show up to see humanity in everyone, including the mistakes most of humanity would consider hard to see and hard to accept. I am only able to be the change agent in my role when all I ask of myself is to be of service to humanity, then I can truly see the human behind acts that seem unforgivable. Then I am able to forgive what I am seeing and accept the humanity in it instead. It keeps me from being injured by what I am witnessing and allows me to be present in the service.
Then I can be at peace with the things I see in the world and find a sense of purpose at the same time.
Next time you do something out of service for someone else, or the greater good, check in with yourself about why you are doing it, what you expect from it, and what judgement you have about it. See if you can release yourself from all of the motives, expectations and judgement and still do the act of service. If you can't then find something else you can do instead.
I love my job! The conversations I have with the unseen helpers in our lives, always excites me. I am motivated by inspirations, intentions to help and the improvements I see in others. I am not motivated by the concept of more, torturing myself to perform unattainable goals, but ushering myself into doing even more of what I love. How are you motivating yourself to get to your next level? How are you monitoring your progress on that goal? Here is a fun way to think of setting intentions that doesn't require struggle and stress.
Think of your desire for an outcome to be like that purchase of a train ticket to that outcome. For example, you want to find a job. You buy this ticket and get on the train of that intention. You trust that as you sit down on this train you are getting to your desired outcome. This doesn't mean you do nothing while on this train. But what it does mean is you have to stay on the train. Don't look out the window to see if you are on the right track, look out the window knowing you are and you are enjoying the journey. Don't stop the train and try to go somewhere else midway because you aren't sure you will get there, keep steady on your intention. Know that you are on the right track if you are remaining loving, positive and in alignment with yourself and your intentions.
You might want to respond "Well when you buy a train ticket you know where you are going and that you will for sure get there. How do I know I will get there? Every time I look for a sign that I am getting there, I don't see it."
Here is the response, "You can't buy a train ticket from California to Kansas and expect to see Kansas every time you look out the window at the track. The landscape changes frequently as you travel to your intended destination."
We put out our intentions for things to happen, not realizing several landscape changes have to happen first to let that change take place. We get fearful as the changes happen, we doubt, we fret and we get impatient. All of this gets in the way of us allowing things to happen and flow in as we have requested.
What track of intention are you on? Are you watching the landscape change and allowing it to morph into the intention you have already set or are you trying to control it by trying to see too far ahead? If you have set an intentional destination for yourself get on that train and trust it will take you there. Let yourself notice your own barriers to your travels and gently maneuver around them allowing your life to make room for this intention you have set. A little patience might help here too. :)