It Is Always a Choice: A Different Way to Think About Decisions

I had my first child at 23 and I had it all planned out. We'd been married for two years (meeting my criteria of being married for at least two before having kids ), my husband was about to turn 30 (meeting his criteria of having kids before then), and I was finishing my master's degree while seven months pregnant (meeting my criteria to finish the degree before having kids.) I had a job, a house, and I'd read every book on that shelf about how to have a baby. I followed all the rules. It was going to be perfect!

Let me tell you how fast my little man, now an adult, taught me how wrong I was.

His birth looked nothing like the plan. I felt slighted, cheated out of the experience I thought I'd earned by doing everything right. I was naive to think I could study for this birth and get another “A.” Nope! And he wasn't done with the lesson either. He had zero interest in the routines and schedules I'd researched so carefully. He even hated the baby massages I learned to give him to help soothe his little nervous system. This kid would not give me a break.

I was annoyed when my mother would say, “No one can make you feel any way. You choose your feelings about things.” This was not advice I wanted to hear about this situation (or any other) that felt out of control. My feelings didn’t feel like a choice.

What a gift that advice turned out to be (though it took me years to see it that way).

Slowly, my kid taught me something I couldn't have learned from any book: I was trying to control things that were never actually mine to control and I had more influence over my internal world than I gave myself credit for. Once I stopped fighting and started paying attention, I started noticing something else too. I realized the moments I resented the most usually had the most to teach me.

Why this matters when you're stuck on a decision

If you're here because you're stuck, weighing a decision, or feeling like life keeps throwing you into situations you didn't ask for, here's the reframe that changed everything for me.

You can’t choose what happens to you but you can choose how you respond to it, and how you move forward.

That sounds simple but it is not easy. It's the difference between feeling like life is happening to you and realizing you're actually an active participant.

How to put this into practice

Pause before you react. When something doesn't go your way or when you're facing a decision that feels heavy, give yourself a beat before you respond. That pause is where clearer thinking happens. It's also just good nervous system management. When we're stressed or caught off guard, we default to old habits instead of actually thinking something through.

Separate what you can control from what you can't. I couldn't control how my the birth of my son went but I could control how I chose to move forward. Most decisions get easier once you sort them into these two piles. Stop spending energy on the pile you can't touch.

Ask what this might be teaching you, not just what it's costing you. It's tempting to only measure a hard situation by what you lost or could lose. Instead, try asking: what is this showing me about what I actually want or what I've been avoiding? That question alone has redirected some of my biggest decisions.

Notice when you're resisting versus when you're actually thinking. Resistance feels like frustration, tension, or wanting to argue with reality. Thinking feels calmer, even when it's hard. If you notice you're in resistance mode, it's worth taking a breath and coming back to the decision later. You'll see options you couldn't see before.

Decide on purpose. At some point, every decision comes down to this: are you going to see your options clearly or keep avoiding the choice altogether? Avoiding a decision is still a decision; it's just one you didn't make on purpose.

Do the easy stuff when it is hard and the hard stuff when it is easy. Practice calming your nervous system, even when you are worked up. Reset your baseline when things are going your way so you can have the resilience you need when things aren’t going the way you planned. Maybe looking for the lessons isn’t available to you right now. That is okay. Do it later, just be sure to do it.

The bigger picture

My son didn't ruin my perfect plan. He gave me a better one. A plan built on paying attention instead of trying to control everything. That's really what this comes down to. You can't always choose what happens but you can always choose what you do with it.

If you're sitting with a hard decision right now, start there. Not with the fear of getting it wrong but with the fact that you get to choose at all. That's more power than it feels like most days.

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